“HIT”

HOGWASH, INSPIRATION, and TRIVIA, aka “The HIT List”

The only credit I take is repeating the Hogwash, Inspiration, and Trivia on this Blog. If I know who said it or the source of information, they are recognized. Otherwise please know that I am in no way sharp enough to come up with this on my own…but I can certainly appreciate, and even sometimes endorse what has been stated.

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July 10, 2009

• WORD OF THE DAY: Botany – the art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin — Alphonse Karr
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else
• SAILING TRIVIA:  Because their rudders were attached to the right side, ancient sailing vessels docked to the left.  This side became the “port” side.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

• “The liberals can understand everything except people who can’t understand them”– Lenny Bruce

• “The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver” — Jay Leno (also one can be the lookout for the other while the hanky-panky going-ons are going on) 

• People who snore always fall asleep first
• 7.5 million toothpicks can be created from a cord of wood.
• The hardness of ice is similar to that of concrete.
• No president of the United States was an only child
• “One ounce of action is worth more than a ton of theory.
• “People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do” 

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April 21, 2009

• In the plant world, many vining plants, such as the honeysuckle, twist to the left as they climb.
• Most seashells curve to the right.  However, it is the rate left-curving seashells that are prized by collectors
• Paul Simon: “All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.”
• WORD OF THE DAY: STYGIAN – extremely dark, dank, gloomy and forbidding
• Among the many things money won’t buy is what it used to.

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March 13, 2009

Tomorrow is Pi Day (3.14). To celebrate this in a mathematically nerdy fashion, here some facts about Pi:

• Pi = 3.1415926535…
• Pi Day is celebrated by math enthusiasts around the world on March 14th.
• With the use of computers, Pi has been calculated to over 1 trillion digits past the decimal
• Pi is an irrational number meaning it will continue infinitely without repeating
• The symbol for pi was first used in 1706 by William Jones, but was popular after it was adopted by the Swiss mathematician Leonhard Euler in 1737
• Pi or π is a mathematical constant whose value is the ratio of any circle’s circumference to its diameter in Euclidean space; this is the same value as the ratio of a circle’s area to the square of its radius.
• π is one of the most important mathematical and physical constants: many formulae from mathematics, science, and engineering involve π.
• π’s value cannot be expressed exactly as a fraction m/n, where m and n are integers. 
• π’s decimal representation never ends or repeats.
•  π is also a transcendental number, which means that no finite sequence of algebraic operations on integers (powers, roots, sums, etc.) can be equal to its value; proving this was a late achievement in mathematical history and a significant result of 19th century German mathematics. 
• Throughout the history of mathematics, there has been much effort to determine π more accurately and to understand its nature; fascination with the number has even carried over into non-mathematical culture.
• The Greek letter π, often spelled out pi in text, was adopted for the number from the Greek word for perimeter “περίμετρος”
• The constant is occasionally also referred to as the circular constant, Archimedes’ constant (not to be confused with an Archimedes number), or Ludolph’s number (from a German mathematician whose efforts to calculate more of its digits became famous).

You guys don’t really think I’m that smart do you? Facts were retrieved from http://www.piday.org/ and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pi. Yes, someone has spent time on these web sites and trying to explain Pi. Go forth on learn for yourself my young Pi Faces.

…and then there’s the joke: “Hey College Boy, say somethin’ smart”, “Okay Bubba…Pi R Squared”. “No way smartie pants…Pie are r-o-u-n-d, cornbread are s-q-u-a-r-e”

And with that, I’m doing Pi tomorrow: Lemon, Pecan, Chocolate, Pumpkin, Boston Cream, and in a show of rebelliousness attitude, cheese cake. I will have a piece of cornbread on Sunday.

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March 6, 2009 

• The average American adult reads about 150-200 words a minute
• Americans bought $25 billion worth of books in 1995 (it’s only a 14 year old fact….)
• Most frequently used words in the English language: the, of, and, to, a, in, that, is I, for, and as.
•  Only two words in the English language end in “gry” – angry and hungry
•  Longest word typed entirely by one hand: “stewardesses”
• It takes the average adult reader 135 minutes to watch The Bridges of Madison County … and 119 minutes to read the book.
• 1 in 7 Americans don’t speak English in the home
• 5 most persuasive words in the English language: discover, easy, guarantee, health, and results.
•  ”Booker” T. Washington got the nickname Booker because he loved books.
• Trap 40 fireflies in a jar and they’ll generate enough light for you to read by 

WORD OF THE DAY: PHILTER – 1) a potion or charm believed capable of arousing passion 2) a magical potion.  In Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream, the mischievous Puck possesses a philter that, when sprinkled on a sleeper’s eyelids, will cause that person to fall in love with the first object beheld upon awakening

My soul can find no staircase to heaven unless it be through earth’s loveliness. – Michelangelo

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February 27, 2009

• Whenever anyone says, “theoretically,” they really mean, “not really.”
• Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault.
• There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
• The State of Florida is bigger than England.
• The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.
• More than 8,100 US troops are still listed as missing in action from the Korean war.
• The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.
• Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.
• WORD OF THE DAY: Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps

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February 20, 2009 (Happy Birthday FD)

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

• A chicken’s top speed is 9 mph
• Lobsters like to eat lobster.
• Crocodiles can’t move their tongues.
• Wolves could bark like dogs, they don’t because they don’t want to.
• An adult crocodile can go two years without eating.
•  A dairy cow can produce 5 gallons of ice cream a day.
• To get a gallon of milk, it takes about 345 squirts from a cow’s utter.
• A study has concluded that if a woodchuck could chuck wood it could chuck about 700 pounds.
• A mother shark can give birth to as many as 70 baby sharks per litter.
• A hibernating bear can go as long as 6 months without a bathroom break.
• Sheep snore.
• A group of jellyfish is called a “smack.”
• One humped camels run faster than two humped camels.
• Camel hair brushes are made from squirrel hair.
• Emus cannot walk backwards.
• Camel’s milk does not curdle.
• Armadillos can catch malaria.
• Anteaters can flick their tongues 160 times a minute.

 Quote of the Week: Everyone has talent at twenty-five. The difficulty is to have it at fifty. ~ Edgar Degas

Are-You-Serious? Fact: Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.

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February 12, 2009 (forwarded from my Dad)

• Why is it that people who have nothing to do always want to do it with you.
• You’ve got to first have the right attitude and then you can work on the skills
• “A word to the wise is… unnecessary”
• “Only the shallow knows themselves.” – Oscar Wilde
• WORD OF THE DAY: LACTOMANGLE – manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal” side.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
• The average person makes about 1,140 telephone calls each year.
• In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

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January 28, 2009

• It’s easy to make a buck – it’s tough to make a difference
• A lot of people look for fault as if there is a reward for it
• How come we wash dishes with detergent made with real lemon juice, and drink lemonade made from artificial flavoring?
• One of the mysteries of life is how a boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
• “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
• “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
• There are 10 human body parts that are only 3 letters long (eye hip arm leg ear toe jaw rib lip gum).
• Did You Know, 40 percent of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

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December 5, 2008

• “You can’t run from the wind. You trim your sails, face the music, and keep going.” Captain Christopher “Skipper” Sheldon, “White Squall” (movie)
• A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink.
• The white part of your fingernail is called the Lunula.
• There is enough iron in a human being to make one small nail.
• A golf club remains in contact with the ball for half a thousandth of a second.
• Whenever anyone says, “theoretically,” they really mean, “not really.”
• No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who’s giving it.
• The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers’ first flight.
• “I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have” – Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

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November 25, 2008

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm: Women born after 1970 will have slightly more husbands than they do children

WORD OF THE DAY: Botany – the art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin – Alphonse Karr

7 Things You Never Saw on Star Trek:

• The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle
• The Enterprise runs into a powerful energy field of a type it has encountered several times before
• The Enterprise checks on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all just fine
• A power surge on the bridge fails to electrocute a computer operator, thanks to a highly sophisticated 24^th century surge protection device called a fuse
• The Enterprise crew discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather common old lifeform wearing a silly hat
• Kirk gets into a fistfight without ripping his shirt
• The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which the crew easily pacifies by offering it some sweets.

Eloquence is logic on fire.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

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November 17, 2008

November 12, 2008

• The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’ – Unknown 
• “If ignorance is bliss, then why aren’t more people happy?”
• It’s not an optical illusion, it just looks like one…
• The average person spends 1 – 2 months during a lifetime looking aimlessly into the fridge for something to eat.
• Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
• The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
• An elephant’s trunk can hold one and a half gallons of water.
• Did You Know, It is impossible to lick your elbow.
• WORD OF THE DAY: CONSULTANT – someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee

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October 31, 2008

• Be thankful that thorns have roses (one of my favorites)
• Government regulation is a lot like ketchup – you either get none or a lot more than you want

• Teach principles of useful failure
• When we always do what we’ve always done…the result will always be something that has been done before”
• It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them”  Fridrich Nietzche 
• WORD OF THE DAY: Gravid – pregnant or enlarged with something
• Indecision is the key to flexibility
• About 25% of the population sneeze when they are exposed to light.
• Annually, the amount of garbage that is dumped in the world’s oceans is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.
• In Japan, condoms are commonly sold ‘door to door’.
• Coffee drinkers have sex more frequently than non-coffee drinkers. 

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October 15, 2008

• I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” – Abraham Lincoln 
• “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet, with a few nuts.” - Author Unknown 
• Everyone has talent at twenty-five. The difficulty is to have it at fifty. ~ Edgar Degas  
• A young man who is unable to commit a folly is already an old man. ~ Paul Gauguin 
• “I’m the commander – see, I don’t need to explain – I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.” -George W. Bush, as quoted in Bob Woodward’s “Bush at War” 
• Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they’re not using it. 
• Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can’t think of anything that’s your own fault. 
• Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 
• With a rubber duck, one’s never alone. (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)

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October 7, 2008

“In the end, everything’s a gag.” Charlie Chaplin 

• “Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot, others transform a yellow spot into the sun” Pablo Picasso
• WORD OF THE DAY: Reprobate – a person of thoroughly bad character
• “History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions” Ted Koppel
• “History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it” Winston Churchill
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up
• “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.” Robert Frost
• “We can’t all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.” Will Rogers
• “Heroing” is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.” Will Rogers

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September 30, 2008

• Astronauts cannot burp in space. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
• The Eiffel Tower shrinks 6 inches in winter.
• There are 40,000 New York City cab drivers, who collectively drive more than a million miles each day.
• The Nike swoosh was designed by a Portland State University student, and purchased by Nike for $35.
• American car horns beep in the tone of F.
• “There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” Will Rogers
• Don’t complain about the thorns among the roses; be thankful for the roses among the thorns

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September 23, 2008

• One thing can lead to something completely different
• Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach him to fish and you get rid of him on weekends
• Life is a stew
• Sorrow looks back,
• Worry looks around,
• Faith looks up
• “The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver” – Jay Leno
•  You can’t make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt.  And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?
• No matter what happens, there’s always somebody who knew it would
• Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.
• -Left-brained people have little trouble expressing themselves in words. Right-brained people may know what they mean but often have trouble finding the right words.

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September 15, 2008

• It’s easy to make a buck, it’s tough to make a difference
• People who are only good with hammers see every problem as a nail
• “It starts here, it starts now” – Jon Luc Picard “Generations”
• A LEFT-HANDED FOOD FOR THOUGHT: It has been proven that the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body.  From this, we can logically conclude that left-handed people are the only people in their right minds!
• “The liberals can understand everything except people who can’t understand them” – Lenny Bruce
• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
• “There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people” – Muhammad Ali
• WORD OF THE DAY:  RECIDIVISM – a tendency to fall back into earlier habits or modes of behaving, especially criminal habits

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September 3, 2008

• Remember you can weigh manure with a jeweler’s scale and slice baloney with a laser beam, but when you’re done you still have manure and baloney.
• The haves and have nots usually have something to do with the dids and did nots.
• Word of the Day: usufruct — (1) the right to use or enjoy something (2) the legal right of using or enjoying the products or profits of something that belongs to someone else
• Many of the song sparrow’s songs begin with the first four notes of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
• Why isn’t phonic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ?
• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Why do they report power outages on televisions?
• “SAY WHAT?”: “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry.  I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff” — Mariah Carey

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AUGUST 22, 2008

• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
• Napoleon had conquered Italy by the time he was twenty-six.
• ‘Second Street’ is the most common street name in the U.S.; ‘First Street’ is the sixth!
• Maggots will only eat flesh if it is dead. For this reason, they are often used to remove the burnt skin from severe burn patients.
• A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel.
• Even today, 85% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.
• 90% of Canada’s 31,000,000 citizens live within 100 miles of the U.S. border.
• If you tell someone there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you.  But if you tell him a bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. 
• As soon as the rush is over I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.  I worked for it; I owe it to myself. And nobody is going to deprive me of it. 
• You can find the world’s shortest sermon on a thousand traffic signs:  “Keep right” 
• “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.” Mark Twain

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August 18, 2008

Averages in the People World

• During pregnancy, the average woman’s uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
• Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it.
• Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour – about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin.
• If the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
• On average women say 7,000 words per day. Men manage just over 2000.
• The ashes of the average cremated person weigh 9 pounds.
• The average American spends 120 hours a month watching television, the equivalent of five complete days in front of the TV.
• The average American will eat 35,000 cookies in a lifetime.
• The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes.
• The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.
• The average human head weighs about eight pounds.
• The average person drinks about 16,000 gallons of water in a lifetime.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
• The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
• The average person produces 25,000 quarts of spit in a lifetime, enough to fill two swimming pools.
• The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.
• The average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
• The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
• The average person’s hair will grow approximately 590 inches in a lifetime.
• The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
• The average US male will spend 2,965 hours shaving during his lifetime.

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August 11, 2008

• Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects. Will Rogers
• No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less. Edgar Watson Howe
• What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now. The Buddha
• Bill McCoy was a bootlegger well known for selling quality imported goods. Hence the phrase “Is that the real McCoy.”
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”
• If you’re constantly being mistreated, you’re cooperating with the treatment.
• There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. (MY PERSONAL FAVORITE – JUST ASK FD OR FS)
• It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: “And this, too, shall pass away.” (Abraham Lincoln)
• “Rome wasn’t burned in a day.”
• “My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!” … “Oh, my God… You’ve.. You’ve turned him into a DEMOCRAT!” (Doonesbury)

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August 2, 2008

• Health Tip:  There is no way to make vomiting courteous.  You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.
• More poinsettias are sold in the United States than any other flowering potted plant
• Some people think a balanced diet is a burger in each hand.
• WORD OF THE DAY: PRECOCIOUS – showing the qualities or abilities of an adult at an unusually early age
• Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.  Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.  That’s relativity.  - Albert Einstein
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.
• Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don’t overdo it. (Lao Tsu)
• During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

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July 25, 2008

• WORD OF THE DAY: WILLPOWER – stopping at a doughnut shop and only order coffee
• The key to success is setting aside eight hours a day for work and eight hours a day for sleep and making sure they are not the same eight hours
• POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE:  Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day
• LEFTY QUOTE OF THE DAY: “One of the best advantages to being left-handed is using drive-up ATMs and fast food drive-throughs!” — Merrit Malloy
• Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have

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July 21, 2008

• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
• The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. 
• “People are only mean when they’re threatened.” he said later that day, “and that’s what our culture does.  That’s what our economy does.  Even people who have jobs in our economy are threatened, because they worry about losing them.  And when you get threatened, you start looking out only for yourself.  You start making money a god.  It is all part of this culture.” - excerpt from “Tuesdays with Morrie”, by Mitch Albom

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July 18, 2008

• “Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive but what they conceal is vital”
• “Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws” – Plato (427-347 B.C.)
• The average human eats 8 spiders in his/her lifetime at night.

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July 14, 2008

• Random facts are well known for stimulating your brain. They help keep your brain younger, sharper, and generally more pleasant to be around.
• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”
• The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. – John F. Kennedy
• ‘If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.’ Mark Twain
• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress….But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain
• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill
• A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw
• A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G. Gordon Liddy
• Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
• Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
• Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
• Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)
• I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers
• If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! P.J. O’Rourke
• In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)
• Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)
• No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)
• Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. Unknown
• The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan
• The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill
• The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain
• The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
• There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress. Mark Twain
• What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928 – 1995)
• A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

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 CREATIVE PUNS FOR ‘EDUCATED MINDS’

• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
  optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
  weapon of math disruption.
• The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in t he hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
• Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!