This past weekend saw a Dallas Cowboy’s team, with the highest NFL payroll at $151M± and a $1.2B stadium, beat a Washington Redskins team, with the 2nd highest NFL payroll at $112M±, by a score of 7-6. Oh Jerry, please let me give you my $400 for yet another lousy offensive performance on a Sunday afternoon at your new playhouse.

Those of you that read my column on a regular basis know of my preferences of high school and college football, and my disdain for professional football, basketball, and/or baseball players in general.

Here’s a big reason why:Texas 6-Man football Division II Region 1 Regional Round of the State High School Playoffs this past weekend had Motley County Matadors football team beating a Guthrie Jaguars football team by a score of 118-90…and remember that is a high school football score. Motley County Matadors versus Guthrie Jaguars What would you imagine the combined payroll of those 2 high school teams might be? Be sure to include the assistant coaches, ticket booth folks, and even the guy that cuts the playing field grass.

And BTW, the other Division II Region I Six-Man playoff game resulted in a 114-69 score, Miami beating Chillicothe. Miami will now play Motley County this Friday in Silverton. I can only ponder over my booster club concession stand food what the over-and-under met might end up being on this game…OMGosh.

75 Texas high school playoff games were played last weekend. Only 2 teams in Texas 6 man football did not outscore the Cowboys over the weekend. 3 teams in 1A playoffs were outscored by the Cowboys while 3 tied the ‘Boys on the scoreboard. Similar results in classes 2A, 3A, 4A, and 5A were common. In all,  the Cowboy’ score bettered or matched the score of 28 high school teams in Texas high school playoffs last week.

Do I really need to reiterate my point. Just for the scoring in high school is as good as any reason to not watch pro sports. Go find a high school game this weekend, and give thanks Jerry doesn’t have either hand in on Texas high school football, but please don’t give him any ideas.

Email Humor Received received from buddy Shawn today - I could so do a least a few of these (#1, #2, #5, #7, #15 without hesitation), if I’m dragged to the fabric store, or when Deb and FD get together in the same store…ohhhhhh the pain of it all…I’m liable to employ any and/or all of these ideas:

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN’T TAKE MEN SHOPPING…or ever leave them alone.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,  then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of  the clerks passed out.

It has been a while since I posted about Raving Fan service. Maybe too long. Today was good in that it provided me reason to shake my head. Shaking in disbelief? Yes. Shaking in “tell me I didn’t just hear that”. Yes. Shaking in “I got something in my ear”? Yes.

Here’s my shaking story: I’ve been home-medicating a sinus cough all week. After a couple idle threats and a plea or two (all from Deb and FD), I called my 25-year+ doctor to schedule an appointment – it was 12:45 p.m. I got the ever-pleasant phone recorder saying ”our office hours are…we take lunch from 12:00-1:00″. I hung up thinking I really needed to run a business like that – don’t take phone calls over lunch. I called back after 1pm and a young lady answered. I asked to see “Jack” for a coughing aliment (I really don’t like to see anyone else but Jack).

“Jack isn’t in until the 9th”, the lady said. 

“OK, I don’t have calendar in front of me, but isn’t that Monday?”

“Well, yes”.

“Then can I schedule an appointment with Jack on Monday if he has an opening?”. 

“No, he doesn’t have an opening”.

“OK, can you tell me when he does have an opening?”

“the 12th”

“would that be Thursday, since I still don’t have a calendar with me?”

“yes”.

“that won’t work; the cough won’t wait - is there someone else I can get in to see before then”.

“Yes, we have an opening today at 3:00″

By now I was playing a game with this lousy-trained customer service girl. Our one line, answer-only-questions-with-short-responses game went on for several more minutes. I finally got an agreeable appointment for Friday at 11:20 a.m.:

“What is your name and date of birth?”

“Tim May, xx-xx and a bit older than you -xx”

“What was that date again? Oh OK, ha”

“Is your insurance still the same?”

“No, I just got new insurance 2 days ago”

“Tell me the insurance and group number”

“I don’t know the group number darling, we just got it 2 days ago”

So I gave my cross-my-heart-and-hope-not-to-die-before-I-get-into-see-the-doctor promise that if I didn’t have the new insurance information, my out-of-pocket payment would be good as it always has been for Jack and the last 25+ years of paying him. But I did have to ask who I was seeing….

I walked in to the doctor office at 11:10 this morning. There was not another ailing soul in the waiting room. I approached the window and told the young lady there, who I was.

“OK Mr. May, please look over this and correct any information as needed” as she handed me a computer printout of my patient profile.

“Everything is correct except the insurance…we got new insurance just a couple days ago, but I brought in a temporary insurance card” 

The other 3 ladies and 1 guy all stopped whatever it was they weren’t doing and looked at me like I carried the swine flu in on a well-oiled dolly cart.

“Can I keep this card?”

“Well no, you can photocopy it.  I’m gonna need it if I have to fill a prescription today”

“Oh, yeah probably, ha!”

I had already realized I was dealing with the telephone appointment lady….

“Have a seat, we’ll be with you in a minute”

So I have my seat- alone in the waiting room – and start reading a Texas Highways travel magazine. Less than 5 minutes into my reading, I hear the appointment lady/greeter voice asking me a question through the sliding glass window: “ahhmmm, Sir? What was your name again?”

I look around – no one has come in unannounced or unbeknownst during my read…”Ma’am, my name is Tim May (as I stood up). You and I just spoke. I have the temporary insurance card you photocopied. I also went over my printout profile with you…Tim May!”

“Oh yeah, ha! Sorry!”

As I’m getting ready to walk out of the office, thinking today is not a good day to deal with the medical profession, here comes the nurse to take me from the waiting room to my exam room. “Timothy?”

“Thank you, somebody remembers my name”.

I do the weigh-in – this big ol’ boy needs to drop a few pounds – I told the nurse I was wearing 16 pounds of coins, money clip, shoes, clothing, and contact lenses…and then we went into a dirty exam room. I stood there waiting for her to rip off the old exam table paper and roll out the new. “Lord help me”.

My blood pressure was normal. Heart rate – normal. “Emily, will be in to see you in a minute”.

“Hello Mr. May, my name is Emily. I am Dr. Jack’s PA. What seems to be troubling you today – a cough I see. Ummm, blood pressure is good, heart rate is good – when are you going to get a colonoscopy?”

“Maybe at a time when my cough gets better”

“OK then, let’s check out that cough”

We get through the rest of the exam – breathe in, breathe out…mouth open, say “ahhh”…are you wearing 2 shirts?…sinus problems – oh my yes…let’s look at the ears?…I can’t see the ear canal of your left ear…we’ll get that cleaned out…are you on medication?…why haven’t you been in to see us in the last 2 years?…how ’bout them Cowboys? – you get the rapid-fire jest of it, right?

I ask Emily for sample nasal allergy sprays and a rump cocktail. She smiles real big and says “you have been a patient here before”.

One nurse comes in and washes my ear wax into a cup. I shake my head.

Then another nurse comes in with a needle: “lower your pants – I will give the shot in left left hip”. I shake my butt…

“Since when?” I asked.  “Don’t you give it in the top of the left butt cheek anymore?”

“No, in the left hip”

“OK, now you get to see my Halloween pumpkin-color undershorts…”

I can only shake my head knowing what all has transpired to get to this point of Dr. Feelgood. She gave me the shot in the left hip – I didn’t know the top of my left butt cheek is the same as my left hip…until today.

She’s done with the shot, she leaves, I pull up trough, gather my own chart and folder, and walk to the pay desk. After a brief wait on another paying customer, the lady asks “did you get blood work today”

“I think my chart when read, will show I got a rump cocktail. And if that rump cocktail drew blood, then yes, I did have blood work done today”

She looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language (or maybe that I was now wearing soiled pumpkin-colored undershorts or something). The payment lady actually had to read the chart to tell me “that will just be the $40 co-pay for today”

So I settled my bill with Dr. Jack’s office. As I gather up my paperwork from the counter, the office phone rang. “Don’t answer that, we’re at lunch!” the payment lady said.

I turned and looked at everyone in the office, and then to the office clock. It said 11:57. They looked at me…I grinned, shook my head, and walked out. As I was leaving, the appointment/greeter lady asked the payment lady “do you want me to lock the door behind him?”

Customer service at one of it’s finest. I can’t wait to talk to Jack next time I’m in to see him (better get that colonoscopy scheduled don’t cha know)…he will join me in shaking his head in disbelief…but hey, my cough is going away, my left ear can hear again without shaking my finger in it, and my left hip will be tender for a day or so from the rump cocktail in the top of my left butt cheek.

Does anyone now want to hear how I dealt with my FlexPlan administrator today?

There have been only a few television shows that strike at my core. As my family will attest, one of them (actually multiple series) has been annoying to the entire family - Star Trek (Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway, Archer) – but then they only needed to get beyond the amateurness of acting and become one with the story line to truly appreciate the brilliance of the series.

Another favorite of mine is All in the Family. I love Archie. He reminds me of today’s right-wing Republicans that can never say a good or positive thing about…well, anything unless it deals with the increasing size of their wallet. One can only laugh in agreement or at the absurdity of the claims – there’s no middle ground with Archie.

But perhaps my all time favorite is The Andy Griffith Show. Even though I much-prefer the black & white, Don Knotts shows, never was an episode (black & white or color) aired that didn’t tell a life story or give a life lesson. And when Andy was doing the talking, it was golden…espicially if a very young Opie was at the receiving end of his lessons. Andy, the pillar of the community, the rock of reason, the class of the class, the good ‘ol boy that can relate to the bubba, is always bringing common-sense justice to the lives and purpose to the day’s events of Mayberry citizens .

See if you agree. Andy makes quick explanation and sense of a convoluted play, and re-tells a story of human nature and suggests a reasonable alternative to the problem. (probably not exactly what the playwright had in mind) 

Oh yeah, BTW for those still moaning about my Star Trek watching, remember this (this isn’t mine, I only repeat the insight of someone I certainly agree with):

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek

• Seek out new life and new civilizations.
• Non-interference is the Prime Directive.
• Keep your phaser set on stun.
• Humans are highly illogical.
• There’s no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
• Live long and prosper.
• Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.
• Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).
• Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
• Enemies are often invisible – like Klingons, they can be cloaked.
• Don’t put all your ranking officers in one shuttle craft.
• When your logic fails, trust a hunch.
• Insufficient data does not compute.
• If it can’t be fixed, just ask Scotty.
• Even in our own world, sometimes we are aliens.
• When going out into the Universe, remember: “Boldly go where no man has gone before!”

My personal favorite month is just about over. It has found me taking 856 photos so far this month (as of this day and time of morning).

It is a time of year when nature starts preparing for winter. Animals fatten up (including me), the sugars in leaves make for admirable fall colors, kids seem to get more energetic with cool days and chilly nights. You gotta love it.

The month starts out with high school  football and homecomings. A wonderful, spirited time of year where small communities come together to support their local schools. A few alumni might also find time to come back and reaquaint with friends and family.

Churches, farmers markets, and roadside entrepeneurs begin to sell their fall bounty of vegetable and fruits…most notably pumpkins in Texas (I also like the apple crops you get further north).

People get a unusal sense about them. They just might become a bit more giving, perhaps jovial. Probably because the brutal weather of the late summer months is over and fall brings its welcomed relief. Regardless of the reasons, some folks start to go to extraordinary lengths to spread their good will to others. Take it in people - then try to give some back if you can. Be thankful of good fortune and feel-good finds that bring smiles to kids and grown-ups alike. Dream and fantasize, but do remember where you parked, when out and about, and when close to the stroke of midnight.

Man and beast enjoy beautiful weather, many times not knowing exactly what to wear…so they wear both summer and fall clothes when getting out and about.

People start liking exercise again, and they bring their dogs.  And if they don’t bring their dogs, they bring their friends. They run for fun…they run to raise money for ”The Spirit of Christmas” – again with an apparent generosity feeling brought on by good people and cooler months that can, and will benefit the physical well-being of lesser priviledged, as well as the emotional health of those with the abundances to share.

And there are days when it’s just good to be breathing. You thank a higher power and learn to appreciate that which really is beyond your control.  Those fall-finds that you happen across are what delivers joy to the heart and a smile to the face. You realize these butterflies and bees came calling (and showing off) almost to the day, last year. It also makes you want to plant whatever it is to have that all happen again next year, and the next year, and the year after that.

Nature’s meanness becomes welcomed – they’re not so bad after all. Their sole purpose is to survive in this cruel world, and they seem to enjoy the weather of the season as much as we do. It’s a time of year when even I might consider tolerance of a snake’s right to live and be close enough to scare the wholly living beegeebers out of me…well maybe we all have our line to draw somewhere, sometime.

The lateness of the month brings yet cooler nights and brisk mornings. You can find the outdoor living starting to hunker down. Trees begin to speak louder each day, warning those willing, and smart enough to listen and heed their voices that something cool is about to happen soon (and they better bring a jacket).

It happens without discrimination. Cool weather in the urban environment rattles those outdoor livers  just like it does for creatures and plants in more natural areas.

Even in Texas, as short-lived as it might be most years, the changing of leaves can be worthy to note. If nature keeps the sudden cold fronts at bay and allows the season to “chill out” at a steady pace, we have elms, oaks, and ash that can show us their true colors, wanting all the appreciation one has to offer. I know it’s not New England, nor is it the Upper Midwest, but it is Texas and we welcome any season changing cinema we can get this time of year.

November is up next. The chill usually brings a bitterness to the air. But then we all start thinking out that next big holiday…where we can all gather to eat a certain bird, and talk about what a great October we all just had. I might even share a few hundred of my photos if the family will let me.

Early seasons greetings to y’all. We have them all year-long.

This posting is dedicated to the memory of Brodie the Scottie. OFSIL SueB lost her Brodie yesterday – a proud dog that upheld the breed standard and brought joy and smiles to everyone he met. He was everyone’s October. Now, rest well dear Brodie.

Gang, I am so sorry for all these YouTubes lately. It seems every one I’m sent or watch lately strikes a funny bone in me. I promise I will return to my sarcastic ways real soon.

This YouTube is on OFNi DaniC’s Facebook wall from OFNi Whitty…I think. It is funny and sad all in the same clip, none the less. Be sure to listen carefully at the 1 minute 10 second mark of the clip – I’ve got a dog just like Simon’s Sister’s

Also, check out Simon’s web site sometime: Simon’s Cat. Thanks Whitters and Dani…which ever one of you that posted that.

From co-worker Ryan. This one brings tears to my eyes…and pains to my stomach. I have sang this same song before…maybe Shane and I can go on that “So You Can Duet” show on CMT next season.

Thanks Ryan - Shane only gets better each time he sings.

Just in case you missed it, see the YouTube below of President Obama’s address to the Nation as to what he has thus far accomplished while in office. Ya just sometimes gotta love good SNL skits. It seems they (good skits) can get so far and so few in between these days.

One refreshing thing about Saturday Night Live, they usually will not pull punches on their satirical renditions (or meanness) of any one political party’s lunacy, or a celebrity’s stupidity.

Regardless of your political persuasion, this is funny. If not…lighten up would ya.

Email Inspiration Received (EIR) today from my good friend David (Stapp), whom I haven’t spoken face-to-face with in probably 8 years, but have recently been forwarding emails to each other. Here’s how this message goes today:

_____________________________________________

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.. ‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.

‘Of course sir, come right in and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’ The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked. 

‘I’m sorry sir, we don’t accept pets.

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’

‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.

‘There should be a bowl by the pump.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said.. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’

‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’

‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

 __________________________________________________

Personal commentary: How many times do we get annoyed by someone emailing a non-business note during a busy time of your day? Is it the joke that is annoying, or the person sending it? It has always baffled me why more of us don’t take a minute to read for the inspiration, motivation, and/or comedic message in an email during times of stress and pressure, and then take another 10 seconds to hit the forward to pass on some of the “relief” to more friends. From a business perspective, any relief (or release) of stress can only add value to productivity (unless that’s all you do all day long…in which case, take me off your list right now).

If we went through life being a little less wound tight, perhaps we could all enjoy each other more and relax some of our blinding disbeliefs, dislikes, and doubts that may be heaped upon co-workers, bosses, clients, and even the person sending the email. I’m trying not to preach here gang…I struggle to find humor, inspiration, and motivation in my everyday professional and personal life just like the rest of us.

This is a neat message; one that I enjoy receiving no matter what time of day it comes. If I annoy you with this forwarding, please pardon me for passing it along – I can take you off my list without any hard feelings.

Y’all stop by sometime for a drink of water, and bring your best friend.

Email Inspiration Received: Got this email from OFSIL Becky this morning…many of you may have received or read it before this posting, but I certainly hadn’t. It makes starting my day knowing “enough” really is a pretty nice amount. Thanks Bec.

Subject: Wonderful message

Pray You ENOUGH:

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother said, ‘I love you, and I pray you enough.’

The daughter replied, ‘Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.’

They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’

Yes, I have,’ I replied. ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’

‘Well…I’m not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is – her next trip back will be for my funeral,’ she said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I pray you enough.’ May I ask what that means?’

She began to smile. ‘That’s a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to s ay it to everyone.’ She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I pray you enough,’ we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’

Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.

I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting

I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

Then, she began to cry, and walked away.

They say, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.